Don't Cry, Spid-Emo-Man!

Hello again!

Today was Mother's Day, so I spent the day with my mommy. We went to my grandmother's grave to place some flowers and say hello, then we were discussing what to do from there.

"Let's do something silly and pointless," my mother said. I suggested we go to a tattoo/piercing parlor and get inked and/or stabbed.

"Too expensive," she replied. "Let's go see Spiderman 3."

Yeah. Silly and pointless pretty much covers it. Now, I'd seen the other two Spidey films. I even own them on DVD. Or used to, then I sold them for credit at Salzer's. I LIKED the first two films. I saw them in the theater, and was entranced by them. Despite not liking Kirsten Dunst in much of anything other than Interview With the Vampire, I enjoyed both movies quite heartily.

Then this confusing CGI-splattered mess of a film comes out. Let me tell you, I was very glad that my mother bought the tickets, because if I had, I would've been out talking to the manager 20 minutes into the thing, arranging a refund or free passes to another film.

It was boring! At several points in the movie, I was thinking, "I wish I had a watch... I wonder what time is it? How long have I been sitting here, squirming in discomfort?" Poorly acted, poorly written, the dialogue fell flat in several places, and I could tell Kirsten was just waiting for the shooting of the movie to be over. She obviously didn't care about the movie, otherwise she would have... well... ACTED! And, hey, Kirsten... with all the money you've made on the Spiderman franchise and all the other shitty movies you made, couldn't you get some orthodontia? I was distracted by her snaggleteeth the whole time.

I appreciate subtlety in a movie. I like having to THINK about what's going on, scouring the film, watching it several times in order to catch subtext. I do NOT need said subtext hammered into my head with a ham hock, thank you very much. Yes, yes, the symbiote suit is bad. It makes you into an eyeliner-wearing, emo-hair having, bitter son of a bitch. I get it. It's not healthy. Okay, stop showing me Peter Parker being an asshole! I understand already! People + black space goo symbiotic clothing = bad!

Now let's go to the next piece of the clusterfuck that is Spiderman 3. Sandman (the Marvel Universe one, not to be confused with Wesley Dodds, Lord Morpheus, or Sanderson Hawkins), is portrayed as a sadly misunderstood wreck of a man, having been forced to a life of crime to try to pay for expensive medical treatments for his poor, sick, cripple daughter. Now, if I remember correctly, isn't Sandman just an asshole? Why try to garner sympathy for him? And just screwing the continuity so that HE'S the man who killed Uncle Ben is just retarded.

I DID like Topher Grace as Eddie Brock/Venom though. That was enjoyable. Topher Grace and the guy who played J. Jonah Jameson were the true stars of the film as far as I'm concerned. Any scene with either of them in it was very much entertaining and appreciated. Too bad they were like poorly-spaced stepping stones across a river of stinky mucky water.

Now, the idea of Sandman and Venom teaming up to take out Spidey was pretty cool, I'll admit, but the fight scene itself was kind of silly. That one shot after Peter puts the good ol' red-and-blue Spidey outfit back on and is web-slinging across town and has the slo-mo shot of him swinging past the American flag? Oh Jesus Christ I laughed my ass off at that gratuitous piece of pseudo-patriotism.

Oh, one other kind of good thing. The redemption of Harry Osborn. I'll give the movie that. But Peter telling Sandman he forgives him, and Sandman turning into sand and floating away on the wind as the sun rises? Crap. Utter crap. What a disappointing ending to a mediocre, at best, movie. Once again, I'm glad I didn't pay to see this movie, or I'd feel really ripped off.

But don't take my word for it. Not everyone agrees with me. I thought it was a waste and want that two and a half hours of my life back, but I know other people who watched it and liked it. I'm just not one of them.