Inappropriate Wrestling Action Figure Sets and Other Unnecessary Crap

Since I've been talking about toys and action figures lately...

The husband and I were talking earlier this evening, while watching a small portion of WrestleMania 23 on DVD, about inappropriate and borderline insulting wrestling action figure playsets. These horrific ideas are as follows:

(and I'll admit that if you're not a wrestling fan, some of these won't make much sense)

1. Hulk Hogan vs. His Couch. Hogan was scheduled to wrestle at WrestleMania 23 in Detroit this year, but shortly before the event, suffered a seriously injured knee caused by GETTING UP OFF HIS COUCH. This, of course, has made poor Hogan the butt of many jokes unrelated to his VH1 reality series, "Hogan Knows Best." How beat up and out-of-shape do you have to be to be taken out by FURNITURE? Honestly!

2. Sean Waltman (aka The 1-2-3 Kid, Sixx-Pac, X-Pac, Chyna's porn co-star) vs. A Bottle of Oxycontin. Poor X-Pac's battles with addictive narcotic pain pills are widely known throughout the wrestling fan world, so this one is pretty self-explanatory.

3. D-Lo Brown and Droz vs. Random Fan and His Beer. Back in the late 90's, a wrestler by the name of Darren Drozdov was paralyzed from the neck down in a match vs. D-Lo Brown. D-Lo's finishing move, called "The Lo-Down" was basically a running powerbomb. Everything was under control, except for the fact that some dumbass audience member threw his beer in the ring at one point in the match, and while D-Lo was performing said finishing move, he slipped in the beer puddle and dropped Droz on his head, breaking his neck and ending his wrestling career forever. Poor D-Lo never quite got his wrestling groove back and is no longer performing anywhere.

4. Lita vs. Danny Doring's Piss. While this is a widely circulated rumor, it's too funny to leave out. Before Lita joined the WWF/E, she was a wrestler on ECW. Now, Lita has quite a reputation within any and all wrestling promotions she worked for for being, well, loose. And not in the flexible and limber kind of way. The rumor basically states that she let (or wanted to have) Danny Doring, another ECW performer, piss on her in a sexual way. Not my idea of a good time, but hey, we all have our kinks.

5. Ultimate Warrior vs. His Sanity. Oh, Warrior Warrior, how many times must you prove to us that you're completely and utterly batshit insane? Is it the revisionist history blatantly displayed on your weblog? Maybe the insulting and derogatory statement he made at Connecticut University, not-so-cleverly disguised as "motivational speaking?" Who knows? Pick a number between 1 and 100,000,000, and there's a stupid thing Ultimate Warrior said to correlate with that number.

6. Randy Orton vs. His Hotel Room. This one is rather recent. Not too long ago, while the WWE was doing a European tour, Mr. Randall Orton was prematurely sent back to the States after causing $50,000 worth of damage to his hotel room. I'm not sure if he had to pay the damages, or if Mr. Bottomless Pockets McMahon covered the charges for him, but this event is just another nail in the coffin that he's building for his career. Too bad, the guy has some pretty nifty tattoos.

7. Sid Vicious/Justice/Sycho Sid vs. His Bowel Control (Or Lack Thereof) Back in 1997, the main event of WrestleMania 13 was Sycho Sid vs. The Undertaker for the World Title. I've seen the match on DVD, but since I don't remember much of it, it must not be particularly memorable, except for one part. 'Taker had set Sid up for his finishing move, the Tombstone Piledriver, with 'Taker's head right between Sid's legs, and good ol' Sid chose that moment to let go of his bowels. I think that's all I need to say about that, but I will congratulate the Undertaker's professionalism... his expression didn't change one bit.

8. (And this is the worst one of all... but I can't help myself) Owen Hart vs. The Zipline, His Cape, and The Ring Turnbuckle. Hoo boy. I'm SO going to Hell for this, but I figure it's been long enough that I can start cracking jokes about it... I hope. In 1999, at the Pay-Per-View Over the Edge (the PPV title itself has never been repeated since the tragedy), Owen Hart, playing the part of the Blue Blazer, a superhero gimmick, was supposed to take a zipline down from the ceiling to the ring. His cape got caught in the harness, and when he tried to free it, the harness clamp released, sending Hart plummeting down to the ring, where he hit his head on one of the rope turnbuckles and broke his neck. He died en route to the hospital. A terrible tragedy, to be sure, but I can't keep this one off the list. I prepare for the potential deluge of hate mail stemming from this last entry, if anyone reads this at all.

On a side note, I was checking my stats on SiteMeter earlier this evening and got quite a chuckle out of someone who clicked on a Google link to my blog from the search words, "Feminine Gay Porn." See, there is an upside to being a female wrestling geek after all!